Feeling Like a Second-Class Citizen

This post is part of Agora Road's October 2024 Travelogue.

I feel like a second-class citizen. I am unsure if I have ever stated it on this website, but I have autism. As years pass, I am growing ever worried about this. I was diagnosed back in 2010, so it's not like something that is new to me. That being said, those last years has given me some concern.

In 2021, I studied in graphic design. At the very end of it, we had to do an internship. I did mine at a local graphic design company. In the end, they never hired me. I was never given a reason why. I suspected that it was due to my extreme sensibility of my ears, them seeing the writing on the wall due to the place being lousy. What tormented me the most is when I learned that all my other classmates got hired. All except me. I feared that my ear problem would prevent me from having a normal life.

In 2022, I started looking for a job. My goal was simple: finding a place that was not too noisy. I had in mind working in a small office. I first gave my CV to the other local graphic design company. I was never called back. I tried at the mayor office. Same thing. I was starting to get very worried.

At the start of 2023, I decided to cut myself off from the internet. This act had the side effect of me finding a cure for hyperacusis. Turns out using headphones and earbuds somehow increased the sensibility of my ears.

In the autumn of 2023, I went back to the local graphic design company where I did my internship. I was never called back.

In 2024, I continued to look for a job. A new grocery store was soon opening and they were looking for employees. I gave them my CV. I was never called back.

I was getting desperate. I was still not in any financial trouble, but I was starting to worry about my future a bit. Spending all day home may sound like a dream, but truth to be told it is extremely boring. I was also concerned about my lack of socialization with others.

In August 2024, I managed to land a job at the local graphic design company. The job is packaging stuff in the workshop - not exactly what I have in mind, but beggars can't be choosers.

This is only last month that I realized the true terror of the situation. I previously thought that me not being hired was due to a side effect of inflation or something. It never occurred that perhaps, the problem was me.

I took note that my manager dosen't want me to do certain jobs. At first I thought this was normal; I did not had enough experience yet. As day passed though, I noticed that she never showed me how to those "experienced jobs". Those last week, I spent entire hour sitting on a bench doing nothing due to lack of work. You would think that this would be the perfect opportunity to show me how do those more complex tasks.

Those last day, my manager observed that there was little work for me. She opted to free me from work and said she will call me back when they will have work I can do. From this, I can conclude that she judges me incapable of doing those tasks. As far as I can tell, I am the only employee that get such a special treatment.

So here's I am again, in my bedroom, bored to death. At least this time I am technically hired.

Another thing that distrurbs me another bit is the behavior of other employees. While people may greet me, most don't talk to me. One of the office clerks talks to me like a child. I am 24 years old and thus find this very irritating.

I never explicitly told anyone here I had autism, but I do know that some kind of message was sent prior to my employment. The upper management knows about it (I probably mentionned it back in 2021), so it's not unlikely that this lady knows about my condition.

In retrospect, something does not make sense. I find it suspicious how no one hired me previously. I wonder if they somehow knew about my condition? For obvious reason, I don't mention my autism on my curriculum vitae, but perhaps people can somehow detect it?

When I was in high school, a classmate once asked me if I was an autist. I replied positively and the answer surprised him. From my experience, only men of my generation show any sort of respect towards me. Older (40+) people tend to treat me as a kid, some being more subtle than others. Women from my age seem very uncomfortable in my presence, many I suspect to secretly hate me.

At the very start of my studies to become a graphic designer, a teacher once said that I had "some kind of aura". I was unsure what he meant by that. I think that although I look normal, something about me betray the fact I am not normal. Kind of like an alien mimic a human but messing up an important detail. Yes, that's how I feel.

I wonder if people fear me to some level. No one ever contradict me. People stay silent in my presence, unless I ask them a question. Earlier this week, I asked a class mate to show me a photo he had shown to people earlier. This dude is usually talkative - one of the few that usually respect me. This time however, he just contented to execute my demand in silence. I was surprised he did not ask me why I wanted to see the photo in the first place.

One of the most damning thing are the medical papers. They state that I will never be able to live alone or drive a car. The only reason given is the word "anxiety" - which I find quite puzzling. I wouldn't describe myself as an anxious person. Although I certainly have my concerns, I don't think they are in "anxiety that is problematic to my life" territory yet. What terrifies me the most is a report of my condition made in 2011. Most of the content perfectly reflects my personality as it is now. It seems that my personality was in stasis for the last decade. If they could tell stuff like that early, perphaps they have valid motives for those two restrictions.

I am concerned for my future. The fact I will never be able to be seen as a normal person troubles me. What concern me the most is that by all logic, this will prevent me to ever find a partner. The dating landscape is already rough as it is, I doubt that people want to be with someone be as handicapped as me.

I don't believe in love - at least how it is usually portrayed. While the existence of some chemicals in the brain is undeniable, it is obvious that most relationships are utilitarian in nature. I don't see what utility I can provide to another person. From a logical standpoint, a girl would be dumb to date someone that cannot drive a car as opposed to a sea of perfectly fine normal men.

This feeling of inferiority will probably never go away. Because I know that regardless of what I do, I will never be normal. I would hope that I am wrong, but I have lost faith in the concept of hope ages ago.

Written by manpaint on 02 October 2024.